It’s so strange to think that Noah is gone. He really isn’t. He is everywhere now, and I know that he is happy. This little boy who underwent 40 hyperbaric oxygen treatments, 1 tumor resection surgery, 4 shunt replacement surgeries, and the use of a broviac catheter, 8 rounds of chemotherapy, 30 radiation treatments, and a 2 year battle for his life… is happy now. Was he always happy? Of course, but I don’t think he was ever as happy as a normal, healthy child. I think that deep down there was sadness.
I don’t really know what to even say. It would be an understatement to say that I feel like I’ve been skinned open. Noah was just such a big part of my life. He was the beginning of our family and ever since July 22nd, he was there for every big event. Every birthday, wedding, holiday, etc. He was there. It’s only fair that I’d be with him now. I should be with him.
Every picture I have of him just makes me smile, but then I think, that wasn’t a happy day. The picture above for instance, Noah wanted to go to the pool. We let him go, even though he had his broviac that couldn’t get wet, and that same day, just hours after we went to the pool, Noah passed out and was taken to Children’s by ambulance. It was one of the scariest days because he was shocked back into life.
I love his hair up there as well. All spiked and adorable. He was so skinny too. He always maintained about 26 pounds or less during treatment, but when he was NED he gained more due to a diet that we had to follow to get his weight up. He was 35 pounds when he passed away. My skinny skinny boy. Zack is about 35 pounds right now. He’s my big big boy!
I’ve updated Noah’s Story in the top corner today, I know that some of my friends have asked about Noah’s obituary. Frankly, I don’t think we will write one. I can’t really stand to write about Noah right now. Everyone we know is connected to Noah through the blog so should we even go about writing an obituary? Or as our paper calls them – ‘Death Notices’. I don’t know. It’s still being debated. Also, I know it may be late and you all are probably out getting drunk and partying, but Balloons For Noah is our new project. Every last of the month we will send balloons with little notes in them up to Noah to tell him we are always thinking of him, we love him, and to tell him little bits of our adventures that month. We will be sending him gold balloons to light up the sky in pediatric cancer awareness, but any color would do. Noah loved balloons so that is where the idea is coming from. You can always send a balloon to another child as well.
I’m going to go play trains with Zack now, so I wish you all a Happy New Year, and to my little Noah, I love you to the moon and back. I miss you buddy. Love, Mama.