One thing I don’t ever want to forget, is the little brother. This blog os about Noah’s Fight, and one of the most important people in that fight, is Zack. For those of you who don’t know, Zack is 19 months old. He was born June 2011.
Zack has been handling this very well. We are seeing some slight regression, but we aren’t jumping on anything for now. We are simply trying to practice what we know he knows, love him dearly, and take care of him and help him realize that Noah isn’t coming back. He does ask where Noah is quite a lot. He will walk into Noah’s room and look all over for him and squeak, “Noah?” “Noah!” with his little voice. I think he grasps the concept of death and that Noah will never be able to play anymore, but I also think that he thinks Noah is in the hospital or hiding from him.
His talking skills are really going through the roof right now, and he is loving potty training. Noah was a big help to that adventure. He may even be potty trained by age 2 if we can keep this whole thing up. He has the cutest smile. Not as cute as Noah’s, but Zack has this crazy i-don’t-know-how-to-smile smile that cracks me up. It is so sweet – here it is.
We had donuts this morning – Noah’s favorite. We’ve been trying to do lots of Noah related activities no matter how hard it is on Evan and I. We want to keep his spirit alive in our house. Going to the zoo was Noah’s favorite. He loved animals so much, so this past weekend, on Saturday, we took Zack to the zoo. It was truly bittersweet, and I actually ended up crying the whole time, but I want Zack to enjoy himself and now that so many of the things we do as a family, we do because of Noah. Noah has and never will truly leave us. I need Zack to realize that. I don’t want Zack to turn out like Reilly’s brother, Langston, and be so alone and confused. Casey and I have been talking about this for weeks and when Noah died I realized that this could be me. I could be dealing with Zack completely vanishing from the inside out just like Langston.
Zack is becoming a handful. He has been climbing and running and screaming and totally being a boy.
He climbed onto the table this morning and ate 3 donuts. THREE. Not including the one we gave him for breakfast. How could this happen, we sort of… left him on the chair… and went into the kitchen. Okay, okay, I left him. Usually he just hops off the chair, but he must have really loved those donuts. Haha.
Well, there is your first weekly Zack update.
Noah, take care of us all. We love you to the moon and back.
January 8, 2013 at 10:38 pm
My kids ate almost a whole box of Entenmann’s chocolate donuts yesterday- so I hear ya on that, kinda left them in the kitchen too
… It’s great to see some news on that little cutie Zack, in the same breath, it was painful to read about him calling & looking for Noah, I can’t imagine what that does to your heart to see and hear that…
I also want to say that I can feel your regret in your words about all of your decisions with Noah’s treatment- what if this, what if that…I am POSITIVE that you made the absolute best decisions with your gut, heart and mind when the choices were presented to you. What I’m trying to say is, had you took no steps at all to give him any treatment whatsoever and just let the cancer take over, then you could have regret for not doing anything. I know it is natural for you to be rethinking every step you took with him with regard to his treatments, but you did the best you could, IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT THAT HE IS GONE. You are his Mama, you did everything you could, everything! I know you did. I say I know you did because I know you loved him beyond anything in the world and that’s what any Mom who loved their baby would do for their child. You couldn’t change any of it… It’s fucking cancer’s fault- and only cancer alone’s fault. PERIOD. YOU DID EVERYTHING YOU COULD. And that goes for Reilly’s Mama too, and all the Mom’s out there fighting this bastard with their babies.
I hope you and Reilly’s Mom are seeing each other through this although I don’t even know if I’d be able to see or talk to anyone if I was you. It’s painful for me to think of you guys at your houses with missing children. I think I’d crawl in a friggin hole and not come out for a long, long time-if ever. I really do… but I also realize from reading other blogs that the world keeps on turning and life does go on, as much as you don’t want it to.
Thinking of you all. I’m so sad for a sweet lil man that I never even met. Please take care of yourselves.