So after Noah died, I didn’t want to be constantly blogging about him at every turn, so I made myself a posting schedule, but I realized that I can’t just sit and talk about Noah or Zack on specific days. I can’t think about Noah and become so emotional, but can’t blog until Saturday. I can’t so, no more blog schedule. I cannot do that without wanting to tear my hair out.
Today I was getting in the car to take Zack to school and the keys were in the ignition, and Zack was buckled, and I ran back to the house to grab Noah’s medical bag. I came back, threw his bag in the passenger seat and we got going. We get to school, and I picked up Zack, grabbed Noah’s medical bag, and said to him, “C’mon Noah, we’re late.” I then proceeded to carry a severely confused Zack to Noah’s classroom, drop Noah’s bag in his cubby, and put Zack on the rug where I always sat Noah. Then I left.
Yep, I was so delusional this morning, that I took Zack to Noah’s classroom. Not just Noah’s classroom, but Noah’s old classroom. The class he was in from 1-2 years old. Not his 3 year class. The staff at the school had NO IDEA who poor little Zack was, and Zack doesn’t know his last name so when asked his name, he says “HACK!” Poor little Hack Harris… there are 12 Zack’s at that school, and 3 Zach’s. They finally got down to Zack Harris in the registry and noticed that he was absent, so they called me and I said, “Zack doesn’t go to school there yet. Oh God. Little Hack was alone all day and when I came to pick Noah up, there was Hack, sitting in the office playing on an iPad, and I walked right past him. I finally snapped out of my delusion when little Hack said, “Momma slow dowwwwwn!” as he had been following me as I signed in and walked to Noah’s old class.
I felt so horrible. I still do. I mix up their names all the time, but I have never taken Noah to Zack’s doctor appointment or Zack to Noah’s classroom. This was a first. I probably sat in the drivers seat just holding Zack for 2 hours and apologizing over and over and over again. I just held him and cried and kept calling myself an idiot for being so senseless and irresponsible. What if they called the police and they took Zack away? Could they do that? I mean they were super confused when I said that Zack didn’t go to their school yet when they obviously had him on the registry. But they just sort of went with it and I assume they called the next Zack that went to the school.
I have been very confused lately, I admit. I tried to give the dog some cat food before realizing that I bought cat food and we don’t own a cat. I tried to give Zack Noah’s pain medicine instead of cough syrup yesterday but caught myself when Zack refused to open his mouth. I looked at it and saw that I was giving Zack pills. Three pills. I’ve just been all over the place and I know that it’s because I miss Noah and I’m trying to recover, yet still be a Mom. It’s hard to act like I don’t have two sons now. I’m so used to the rituals of Noah – bag – check – Zack – check – Noah – go, when I load them into the car. I’m used to having Noah with me and I guess I’m trying to fill some sort of Noah-void in my heart by pretending that Zack is Noah. I know who my boys are, they look nothing alike, but somehow I keep being decieved.
Im so sorry my little Hack Harris. So, so, so, so sorry.